My Problems with 13 Reasons Why

A tv show does not make you the expert on suicide
the reality is much more painful and less dramatic
sometimes there are no reasons why
you have this gaping sadness that swallows you whole every morning
there are no explanations why you feel every moment like you are drowning on dry land
There are not enough reasons why
our minds cannot help but rewind like cassette players
replaying over and over the worst moments as if it just happened
we cannot stop cutting ourselves with memories
so we become our own enemies stuck in a nightmarish replay
there are girls, whenever they look into mirrors they hate themselves because no matter how many breakfasts, lunches, dinners, they skip
despite the number of ribs they can count through their skin
they still can’t reach the perfection of alabaster plastic surgery skin on our screens
And we push away the people around us because we think it’s better to hold this weight on our own because we are constantly afraid that others would find us disgusting when they see how much baggage we carried
sometimes suicide is not revenge,
it is a decision you make when you truly believe that death would be better than any life when you are tired of this act of breathing in air
Often times, it is not the people around us to blame, but the sickness in our mind that eats away at our will to live, our purpose, our happiness
and it is a decision leaving crushed bones, families and dripping blood.
Blood. My friend almost died from losing too much blood after cutting herself in her bathtub at home.
It was not a gratuitous moment but one that was so horrifying, she can’t look at blood anymore.
Do you understand now?
our struggle is an ocean of anguish that cannot be measured and should never be cashed in for it’s worth as a drama.

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Clarinet Memories

I hear them whisper dirty things about you
that you sent nudes to a man
while you were still with another
but all I still remember is your smile
the kindness you showed me
it’s hurtful to hear all these things about you
I wonder what happened to the girl who I used to know
Who called us clarinet buddies in elementary school
We would giggle and whisper in between measures of rests
you played songs to my lonely heart when I was an alien in a new school
But you left band in the 8th grade
Middle school is where they say you fell off the deep end
Now in high school
we don’t talk anymore
I see you pass by class to class
but we are entities in spheres that are worlds apart
I wonder when did this madness begin for you
I wonder if we had just stayed in touch
What we could have both been
But tomorrow
or next week
I will see you pass by again
but this time instead I will stop you
Pause a moment to say hi and ask how you are doing
You were a friend from my past who made me a home
A safe place between the measures of rests and notes
So it’s the least I can do
to just stop and give you a moment of my time

Breaking free

I have to wake up at 5am for a swim meet and then my brain itches cuz I haven’t written poetry in two weeks… 😑 #midnightpoetry
I am a Asian American woman.

Prouder than ever

Strength in my bones

Because the moment I was born

my race and sex forced me to carry fetters binding me to the weight of inequality

But I stand tall despite the extra weight of this gravity
We women of color

not only stand but we climb

We climb and bleed to reach our dreams

Only to find the glass the separates us from truly reaching them

So I sharpen my tongue

I pound my voice into a iron weapon

to shatter this glass in my way

I use each word in my arsenal to bring shame to those who rule over me

They cower in fear when I speak the truth
Though the world storms at me

I am a force to rival nature

I plant my feet firmly like roots
I am a tree that gives life

I will never be swept away

I break all their rules not only for myself

but for all men and women of races

For I am a feminist

And you’ll find me running round

Unbroken

Free

paper people

my pitter patter paper heart
yearns to be among the pages
to find words to fill my empty chapters

so I write poetry
and I will not stop bleeding ink
until my blank pages are full

I am a paper person
made up of stories so precious
only my spine can bear them all

monday showers

there are those days
you come back home with your soul weary
you let yourself into the shower

sighing as the steam rises
then you cover your ears
you imagine

the torrent echoing in your ears is a storm
the sound surrounds you
making you and your worries insignificant with its ambiance

the water on your body
becomes a flood washing away all your worries
and you whisper to yourself its ok

you’ve survived another day

{Book Review} The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith*

*I recommend this novel for more mature audiences.


Details16160797
Title: The Cuckoo’s Calling

Author: Robert Galbraith
Genre: Mystery, Realistic Fiction, Adult
Publisher: Sphere Books (April 3, 2013)
Age Range: 16+
Pages: 455 pages (hardcover)
Buy at: Amazon | Barnes and Noble | Book Depository | Google Play | iBooks


Summary

Famous model Lula Landry falls to her death from her London penthouse balcony in the early hours of a frosty morning; her death is attributed to suicide due to her history of depression and emotional stress. However, her brother is suspicious, and hires private detective Comoran Strike, an amputated veteran, to investigate further. Strike is reluctant to take on a case so thoroughly scrutinized by the public and the police, but he is suffering from personal financial and relationship crisis – this is his only lifeline. Together with his underpaid loyal secretary, Robin Ellacott, he enters the shady underworld of celebrities, agendas, and night lives, in an odyssey that captures you from beginning to end.


My Rating: 8.5/10

Review:

Pros

Just in case you didn’t know, Robert Galbraith is a pseudonym for J.K. Rowling. Trust me. Google it. If that isn’t enough reason for you to read this let me expound on the reasons why I loved this book and you should too!

I this book is beautifully written from beginning to end. You can tell that Rowling spent time crafting each sentence, there is an undeniable sense of mastery and style that is uniquely her own. Take this excerpt from the beginning chapter:

“The buzz in the street was like the humming of flies. Photographers stood massed behind barriers patrolled by police, their long-snouted cameras poised, their breath rising like steam. Snow fell steadily on to hats and shoulders; gloved fingers wiped lenses clear. From time to time there came outbreaks of desultory clicking, as the watchers filled the waiting time by snapping the white canvas tent in the middle of the road, the entrance to the tall red-brick apartment block behind it, and the balcony on the top floor from which the body had fallen.”

Wow, I mean just wow. Can we have a moment of appreciation for Rowling’s detailed description of the murder scene? Some might find this didactic imagery tedious to read, which is why I believe, it only received a 3.83/5 rating on Goodreads. But for me reading this novel was such a treat! Rowling’s high-level vocabulary is helpful if you are willing to learn. In Rowling’s second novel in the Comoran Strike Series, I learned the word quixotic and it actually showed up on my SAT test. Reading for the winnnnn!

Also, if you like British culture and terminology, this is the book for you! Apparently, tosser is a derogatory term used in G.B. that would equate to the word playboy in the states. In the 3rd book, Career of Evil, it’s funny when they mention how everyone in G.B. is raving about Kate Middleton and Prince William’s marriage. It details of London life really bring this story to life and you wish that your city was just as exciting.

In fact, this book could be defined as realistic fiction. The way Rowling integrates her characters into our present day and age make them much more loveable and relatable. Strike is an amputee and sometimes I start rubbing my own knee whenever Rowling describes how Strike falls and tears new ligaments. It’s so descriptive that I get my own phantom aches. #real. -_-

I digress, I honestly feel like Rowling is superb in the way she develops her characters. It is cool and gross how Rowling is able to write from the perspective of a male character. Cool because I can’t do it, gross because Strike kind of likes staring at the butts of hot women in his life. Butt you gotta give him some credit because he does try not to. Robin, Strike’s secretary, is my favorite character. While working for Strike she begins to find her passion for investigative work and as a result, she becomes a stronger character. This in turn creates problems later on with her fiancé who doesn’t appreciate the new willful Robin.

This is just a great crime novel, Rowling keeps you hooked each chapter with new developments in the Landry case and also in Strike and Robin’s personal lives. An exciting read!

Cons (SPOILER ALERT)

There is a period from the middle to the end of the novel where Strike is interviewing his suspects and it drags a bit. When the ending finally hits you like a knife to your chest (veiled spoiler 😉 ) it’s like woah! What happened? I obviously have fewer complaints than praise, but this slow section is where I have to deduct some point because I think other less patient readers would have stopped reading here.

Don’t forget that this is the 1st in the series, “The Silkworm” and “Career of Evil” are out.


I hope you all loved this review I wrote today! I hope it makes up for the months I have been inactive. I definitely felt better after writing this review! Spring Break is next week so I might be able to write more in the next few days. ❤ -Ji

the players

when we kissed
you thought that pressing your lips on mine
imprinted your claim to my body
sorry sweetheart,
but it seems like you’ve just been played
you think you’re hot
thinking that you got me with that gelled back hair
proud because you finally graduated from friend zone to playboy
but baby, I’m just here to have fun
honey, don’t you ever forget
nobody owns me but me
and just like you see me here right now
just in a flash I’ll be gone too
and you thought only men could be players

ok I need to make it clear I have never had any personal experience with boys, I wrote this on All Poetry in a response to a picture. I thought it would be cool to share the flip side where the girl is playing the guy.

essays and great grandmas

My AP Lang Finals for semester one,
we are given 3 essay prompts in 2 hours to model the AP Exam.
Rhetorical,
Synthesis,
and Argument.
Argument Prompt 2016: Develop your position on the value or function of polite speech in a culture or community.
In other words, why do we ask each other, “Hi!, How are you?”
I expanded my essay in three points that I don’t remember anymore.
But what I do remember is this.

In my experience, polite speech, are fillers,
meant to fill the emptiness when you speak to your dying great grandma.

You hide under the semblance of normality
because it is the only way to cope.
So “Hi” is what you say even though she can’t hear you.
“I love you.” even though she is oblivious to your touch.
“Bye.” When you are scared it’s going to be the last time you ever see her.

I am easing myself in the practice of leaving her behind with my pleasantries.
I am making the painful barely bearable,
I’m preparing for the day she is gone forever.

written 1/21/17 

 

a promise my daughter

darling,

I will make time for you like my mother never did for me
if you were hurting and needed to talk
I wouldn’t care if we had something important to do that day
we would drop it because every moment with you is precious

I will listen to you like my mother never did for me
I will learn to quiet my heart so I can hear  what yours has to say
dedicate moments to just understand what you are thinking

I will love you unconditionally
because we are a part of one another and we stay together
you are beautiful no matter who you decide to be

we will save each other
be there for each other when we need a shoulder to lean on
because

no matter the storm
we anchor each other
we are tied together

we are family

I’m On My Way

dreamy_by_baxiaart-daxmbc0I’m on this frostbitten path of life
littered with branches to snare
rocks to trip

I’m searching
to be honest actually aching
to find meaning and joy in this journey of mine

but despite the cold
I see the shadows begin
which can only foretell the sun and it’s warmth

and isn’t it said when faced with an unsurmountable goal
we must not be faint like the summer soldier and the sunshine patriot
what we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly

so when I reach my journey’s end
more shall my pain, blood, and tears make my joy and meaning ever sweeter

these past poems have been from my poetry on allpoetry.com. This is an amazing website to share your poetry. And yes that is Thomas Paine I quoted. ❤