There is a tree in Little Tokyo where passersby have tied their wishes on scraps of paper.
Maybe it’s the thought that the rain will wash away the evidence of naked longing that people allow themselves to be vulnerable and share their fervent desires.
“I want to make it into UCLA ‘22”
“I want to find love.”
But even if the ink washes away the memory of pen on paper,
Ink filled raindrops soak into the drought-parched soil
Where I have faith our dreams are planted and take root to blossom into being.
I remember standing at the top of Griffith Observatory.
Staring at the city below instead of the planets above,
How depressing this sight is
That they call Los Angeles the City of Stars
Because we are cold and apart from each light shining below
Many are fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, documented, undocumented persons
Whom we forget are toiling at night for people who can enjoy fine dining on nights such as these
These luminous point map out those who are not resting with their loved ones
My heart is aching for these incandescent bodies devoid of warmth
I think the title of this post explains the premise of this post pretty well. I never kissed, never held hands, never done anything remotely romantic. I think that is mainly because I scare away everyone, and also because I’m a low maintenance type of person. I wouldn’t say I’m ugly, but I wouldn’t say I am beautiful because that would be an inaccurate representation of my self. There are days where I will wake up in the morning for school (like today) where I realize lamentably that I have again, forgotten to brush my hair. NO WORRIES! I used the magic power of finger brushing! I’m Asian, my hair is straight so it’s easy :D. But yeah, the closest I have ever even gotten close to anything even looking suspiciously romantic was getting someone’s number, and it was because I lent them a book as an excuse to keep in touch. That’s how I roll. 😉 Another reason I have never date is for religious reasons, I’m a Christian and I definitely think there are A LOT of benefits of not having premarital sex! Also, high school relationships are messy, and I’m not a huge fan of them…
But… (oh yes there’s a but…)
I’ve been thinking recently about how I want to be a writer/poet/english major. I really believe that in order to be a good creative writer, you need to have experienced life. The more that a writer experiences, the more that he/she has the ability to relate to his/her audience. Everyone talks or reads about summer flings while I just stand in a corner by myself just smiling because I have no experience. And I don’t know how I am supposed to relate to the 99% of the world that has more experience than me in relationships. I have to operate in the tiny 1% that makes up me, myself, and I. Maybe this long rant is just because I’m looking for an excuse to confess to the person I liked I mentioned above. It’s so hard because I really like this person, but I have so much religious guilt over whether my desires are holy. It’s obviously not holy, but I am sometimes crazy for this person, and desperately want them to like me.
Or… (oh yes this goes on…)
Or maybe, one day, I’ll be grateful to my high school prudent self in 10 or so years when I find the right person and when I feel like God has defined the parameters that which he wants me to be in concerning a relationship.
Either way… I’m just ranting and procrastinating. I have so much work to do. I just really needed to get this off my chest because I never talk about my crushes with friends or family. I keep it on the down low and there’s a reason why. Maybe more on that later.
Baiii, I hope you can relate if you are in the 1% ❤